Depression is just not the one and unfortunately there’s no prevention to being a victim. You might just stumble one day and find yourself in this scary, fucked up place that you have no answers to get out of and once your life is riddled with the feelings you’re not likely to find an end to them any time soon, no matter who you are. You deal with it how you feel is best if you can barely deal with it at all and once you feel like you’ve won, one day you might just get dragged back there. You might talk to express your emotions or you might leave it all inside. Unfortunately there is no manual on how to deal with it but there is help for the taking if you’re willing enough to take it. Some lives are over taken by it and sadly some lives are taken by it, I’ve seen both. But for me, I deal with it by wearing a mask.
There has always been an obvious trigger for my depression. Causes which have been completely out of my control that so suddenly shoved me into a world of emptiness, sadness, worry, self hate and most of all the feeling of being alone. The first time round people immediately knew I was in a bad way but as time went by I started to mask over it. Time’s meant to be a healer right? Everyone else’s life just carries on around you so mine must do too. It can’t be spent curled up in bed, crying, staring into emptiness. I didn’t want help from anyone. I needed to figure things out in my own head and talk about it if I wanted to. The feelings never went away, I just learned to live with a smile on my face and the words ‘i’m fine’. I don’t know if it was the best way to deal with it as it lead to an eating disorder, alcohol abuse and anything else I could take control of in my life but it got me this far. I finally felt like I’d got somewhere and found my happiness that even I felt I deserved. I married the love of my life, made a house a home and had our amazing daughter. I was set for life. Then out of nowhere I was dragged right back to that place again.
It’s been five weeks now since we found out we lost our second baby and I’ve hit rock bottom over that time. Everyone else’s lives have carried on and my feelings haven’t changed but tonight i’m going to put my mask on to try and pick up my life again. I will do my hair and I will put my make up on and I will try to find a part of who I used to be. I will smile, I will laugh and to everyone I see i’ll be ‘normal’ but my true feelings will still be there inside. I’ll just try to not let them show. I know i’ll get there again one day, I have to for my families sake. Giving up isn’t an option for me anymore but living my life is.