Ten years ago today, I lost my first love. A young, fit twenty year old man who had so much to live for. On May the 6th 2008, he made a decision that took his life and changed so many others forever.
We had been together for three and a half years. I was fourteen when I met the tall, cheeky faced, skin head, full of life and laughter. He was a sixteen year old apprentice, working a job three days a week whilst studying at college and I was battling through secondary school making decisions that would effect my future and working a Saturday job to earn some cash. Despite all the obstacles in our way we found time to be together and as time went by, we fell in love. We started growing up with one another side by side and talked about life ahead with each other in it.
He was always surrounded by people, whether it be his family or friends, he was somebody everyone wanted to be around. I wanted to be around. He was a joker and always having a laugh, a person who saw the fun side of life until a week after his 20th birthday, just like that, he was gone. He made the decision that he would never have to face another day. I will never know his reasons why, I can’t even imagine how much pain his heart held to feel that way and without being in his head, I will never understand his decision. There will never be answers, only sadness and guilt that I couldn’t save him.
Being left behind is a brutal existence, experiencing a unique kind of grief. There is no closure, you just learn to live with the pain and every day the world goes round you adapt to it just that little bit more. Ten years on and I have a life, a whole life I never thought I could live without him in it but somehow strength comes from losing someone you love and I’ve managed to survive, mainly because a heart can love more than one person if it was shattered enough to share the pieces.
Suicide isn’t something you can ever fix, once the choice is made, it’s final. So if you have ever thought of taking your own life, please talk to somebody. You don’t have to fight on your own. It doesn’t stop the pain, it simply passes it onto somebody else to bare. So whatever your reasons may be, please believe you can learn to live again.